Idol is as Nasty as Radio (Part Two)

In Part One, I talked about how Idol is great because the humiliation of sad people is hilarious.

But there was a special twist. One of the show's judges, Kyle Sandilands, will be gone in a few weeks. He was axed before the show began, but isn't offscreen just yet. He was axed because of something that had nothing to do with Idol.

He was cut for something that was covered extensively, especially in Sydney. The best coverage was by Media Watch, the episode of which can be downloaded in mp4 or wmv. Sandilands and co-host, Jackie O, helm a very popular breakfast show on Sydney radio. "Breakfast with the Stars", it's called. Kyle and Jackie O are the stars, but that word also refers to how exciting it is that they get to interview Lady Gaga and other such fuckers.

They also have tasteless stunts. That Media Watch episode talks about a stunt where a niece and aunt, who had never met, were forced to cry and beg on their knees to be able to spend any time together rather than the niece being sent back home to the US. An earlier episode of Media Watch highlighted games where, for example, people were challenged to pick their lover's genitals out of a line-up.

You know. Classy stuff.

When they're doing stuff that is just tacky - like the genitals thing - it's stupid, but harmless. Emphasis on stupid, but not discounting harmless. It's hard to see the appeal, and you would hope that parents with young children would press the off button, shutting the show down would be unnecessary censorship, as painful as its popularity might be. When they're playing with the lives of real, flesh-and-blood people, that's when flags should be raised.

Like what happened a few weeks ago.

The stunt was a lie detector test. Someone would be strapped to a lie detector, while a "loved" one would ask them personal questions. In this case, it was a mother strapping her 14 year old daughter in, and asking her questions about her sex life.

Here's where the red flag should have been raised. This should never have happened. It should never have been allowed by people managing Kyle and Jackie O, let alone the hosts themselves. Regardless of whether or not it went badly (and it went very badly), this should be what got the radio station in trouble, and child protection called on the girl's awful mother, before anything else.

The mother (who is, no doubt, the worst person involved here) asked her daughter if she'd had sex. Then the girl said she was raped, and that her mother already knew. Following excruciating silence, Kyle said the words he will forever regret, if he is capable of such emotion: "Is that the only experience you've had?"

The comment seems to owe more to Kyle's shock and - let's face it - stupidity more than insensitivity, although having the girl on in the first place shows insensitivity was in play as well. Jackie O (always playing nice, just like Marcia Hines on Idol) then ended the broadcast.

Then, uproar. The pair have been absent from radio since that week, although they return tomorrow, now on a seven-second delay. And Kyle was axed from Australian Idol.

It's not unexpected, but is giantly hypocritical on Idol's part. They claim Kyle has become to controversial, and Idol is a family show. Well, no. In early weeks, at least, it's a show that traffics in humiliation, just like Kyle and Jackie O's radio show, and that was the reason he was hired. It would be refreshing if Australian Idol's producer's were open about pressure from the owners of the format, and fears of commercial interests, rather that yelling that it's "for the children". If it were for the children, sixteen-year-olds wouldn't be allowed to make fools of themselves on the show.

So, Kyle's gone from Idol. It's unfair, but at least we saw the partial downfall of an egomaniac. That's always a lot of fun. If only it were for the right reasons.

Meanwhile the girl from the stunt has had her family further sell her out to A Current Affair, the Nine Network's alleged current affairs program. They've claimed she was lying. Maybe she was. Maybe she's a difficult child. But it would be good is the family would sort out such issues behind closed doors, with professional counsellors, rather than grabbing for fame in the process of "trying to help". It would be good for radio producers to put a leash on their hosts when the get into the habit of playing with people's emotions and lives for the entertainment of listeners. It would be good if television producers had quiet words with people without the talent needed to become musicians, rather than sending them through to be heckled to tears on camera in front of millions.

But that's the fame-hungry time we're living in.

Idol is as Nasty as Radio (Part One)

Australian Idol resumed for another year on Sunday, and while taking a quick break from Deadwood I accidentally caught a bit of it. Deadwood contains more foul language than was once thought to exist, murder, torture, thievery, and backstabbing, and yet Idol is the nastier show. While this post relates to Australian Idol, with a few name changes, it would work for any of the shows in the franchise.

The first few weeks of the show are the "open" auditions. The judges travel from one major city to the next, sitting at a table while a line of would-be singers perform unaccompanied (unless they bring a guitar with them, which seems uncommon) their own covers of already bad pop songs. The judges are Marcia Hines, a singer, Ian Dickson, a record executive, and Kyle Sandilands, a radio personality, and 2009's most satisfying claimed scalp, even if he doesn't quite deserve it. More on that in Part Two.

So, number one, only one of the three judges has any form of musical talent. Okay, they seemed to be joined by Brian McFadden of Westlife this week, but Westlife doesn't classify as music. Marcia also is "the nice one", so her comments to those the judges reject are limited to apologies. Dicko and Kyle both play the part of "the pricks". Dicko is "the slightly wittier prick", perhaps, but they're still pricks. They tend to judge people immediately: God forbid you enter the room as a fatty. When an attractive person reveals themselves as having an awful voice, that's more of a disappointment. "You're a lovely looking girl, but..." If you're unattractive, and can't sing? Better be wearing a raincoat, or your clothes will reek of bile after walking away from the panel.

But these people hope one day to be singing professionals, right? It's clear they won't make it. They're just getting a wake-up call! Besides, it's funny! How did they really think they could get a record contract and national exposure?

Because Idol's producers said they could.

Dicko, Marcia and Kyle aren't the first that the hopefuls audition in front of. Off camera, they perform in front of vocal coaches, and the producers. The producers decide who actually gets to the judges, and who makes it to TV.

Who do you think the producers send through? The good ones, of course. The ones with musical talent, and the ones who can do that Maria Carey pitch-shift thing which Idol suggests is a sign of talent. Just seeing those guys be judged would be boring, though, so they send through the freakshows as well. Many of these guys would be in on it; never thinking they'd make it, but hey, being on TV for a couple of minutes would be cool. Then there are the innocent ones, who have been sent through by producers and therefore given the idea that, hey, maybe they'll make it. Maybe this is their year.

It's not, of course. The people spat upon by the judges don't deserve music careers, as much as they don't deserve to be humiliated. Even Marcia's nice girl act rings false, since she knows that those auditioning have been given false hope by her own producers. Because this is what the dwindling audience of the show is watching for.

So, these people come in. They sing badly. Sometimes even in ways you never thought people would ever sing. They get called worthless. Then they leave the room. Then they cry.

Now that's entertainment.

(to be continued)

How About... None of Them?

Can you pick Australia's Perfect Couple?

Fuck. I have to reevaluate what I know about relationships. It turns out that to be a "perfect couple" isn't about compatibility or trust or love or any of that stuff that, you know, logic suggests. It's about how quirky in a network-friendly way you are - "we're virgins!" "we argue a bit!" "we're different heights!" - and your ability to go through idiot fucking challenges!

And, of course, a handy tolerance for Jules Lund.


Jesus.

Not that I've worked in television for that long, but there's no way anyone on this production (bar the contestants, of course) cares about what they're creating. The production offices of this little gem aren't filled with proud people, safe in the knowledge they're creating something people will love and remember. They groan at every batch of rushes that get shit into the system.

No one's demanding a constant stream of high art, Australian television, but how about something that won't give its audiences a brain embolism?

I should thank my lovely girlfriend Tina for alerting me to the existence of Australia's Perfect Couple. One thing we can agree on, as a couple? This fucking show will be worse than Hitler. I wonder if that qualifies us to be on it?